U2 – Songs Of Innocence (2014)

If you’re an iTunes user like me, whether you liked it or not, the new album by U2 is most likely in your library, thanks to Apple’s non-consensual mass philanthropy last week. There’s journalists and blog writers across the world (like this guy) that will scoff at your anger, your claims of violations of privacy, your ‘first world problem’ of forcibly getting an album you didn’t want for free. How many of you have woken up from a one-night-stand with crabs and then, after getting angry at the unwanted infestation, have the attractive-at-the-time carrier turn around and mockingly say to you “shut your First World trap, you got them for free didn’t you“? Not very many, I suspect. Seriously, Steve Jobs’ successor, whatever your name is, you must understand that when that U2 album planted its ass in our library, the bands on either side of it, Trash Talk and Ugly Duckling, were startled and went into panic. Ugly Duckling is now suicidal. It may never be a swan thanks to you, Apple. And you too, U2. Your gate-crashing, psyche-spiking album made my ears smell like shit (I did actually listen to it). Radio 4 said the album was uplifting, which is only true if you are lifting like a pencil or something.

No. No, no. This is Release-o-meter and if an album shows up in our libraries, we have to review it properly. So here is our review of Songs Of Innocence: I walked into a public urinal and there was a giant cockroach the size of a human using the toilet. It took 40 minutes and by the time it was done I had crapped my pants out of boredom. I walked outside and three cows were dead.